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After effects of an abusive Relationship !!!






The Aftershocks Of A Relationship With A Narcissist

“I think  I should be better by now, that’s the problem.” I looked up at my therapist, the one I reluctantly finally made an appointment to see and shrugged…”I mean it’s been nearly two years.”

She jotted something down in her notebook and then asked me the one question I hate being asked “Do you still love him?”

“Love has nothing to do with what I feel now. No I do not still love him.” I tapped my fingers on the leather chair as I tried to verbalize the emotions. “I loved him, yes, once upon a time I loved a man I believed to be the person I would spend the rest of my life with. But that man was a myth. That’s the problem, how do I sort out the fact that he was not real, that he lied, that he abused me? Then…” I paused, hating to say the words out loud…”How do  I understand that some of my greatest memories and moments came from that very person, real or not?”

“”He fooled you, you bought into it, of course you are confused.” She nodded at me as she jotted more notes down in her notebook.

“The good was good but the bad was worse, I know that. He was spontaneous, fun, we went on so many trips, I rode some of the best roads you can on a motorcycle and we laughed, so much… but he hurt me and my kids so greatly, it’s almost as if he were two people and in the long run I cried more than I laughed.”

“You will heal from this Erin, he was just a very bad con man. It happens to people all the time. And he was in actuality two people, the person you needed at the time and the same person who wanted nothing more than to use and abuse you.”

I left the session feeling just as confused as I was when it began, therapy is great, I recommend it but I feel as if no one, not even someone who specializes in such matters, truly understands unless they have lived it.

The aftershocks of a relationship with a Narcissist or Sociopath are sometimes harder to deal with than the relationship when it was going on.

When you are in the relationship you are so distracted by the abuse, the mind games and the constant drama, you barely have time to comprehend what is happening on a daily basis. When you are away from the relationship it sends ripples into every action you take, every relationship you try to be in, every moment you try to move forward. I have likened it in past posts to coming out of a coma.

This is nothing like healing from a normal relationship, you are healing from trauma and in some ways addiction. Sometimes it is hard to understand that. The flashbacks, the sleepless nights, the fear, the mistrust you offer every new individual you come across, nothing is believable anymore.

When I started my relationship with E I believed everything he told me, blindly, I followed his lead. He was in charge at all times and for some reason I was okay with that… until that became the control that hurt me and my children. He believed he owned me and I am willing to bet still to this day believes he owns me in some way.

When I left the relationship it was hard for me to understand that I am in charge of my own life. It took me a long time to not feel like I had to ask permission to just do simple things, for me to understand that if I was late I would not get yelled at, if I had a tiny mishap it would not be an argument and a way to make me apologize for days. That I did not have to fear having stuff thrown at me, being spit on… being raped or physically abused. I also had to begin to slowly trust people around my children again. To this day they have not met a man I have dated since E but I have begun to allow my friends to be in their lives.

Things I had buried below the surface of our relationship just to cope with them haunt me now, this is the aftershock effect. It will hit me randomly how many times he cheated on me, how many times he lied to me and just how much he used me for. It’s almost as if you are having a normal day and suddenly you lose your balance and your environment changes. You try to talk yourself out of the panic attacks but it is not as easy as it seems. You try to do the things you are supposed to do but some days you just want to hide away.

In my case it does not help that some of the people from his “camp” as we will call it still harass me. Yet it’s not them I fear, it’s him, the cold expressions, the constant drama, the way he so easily had me hooked. I fear meeting his match, I fear my choices, I fear my ability to see the Sociopath or Narcissist inside someone when I meet them.

I have become a very outspoken voice against this type of abuse but that does not mean I have healed entirely.

The aftershocks are inevitable.  I tell anyone who writes or calls me that, when they ask what to expect after the relationship is over I tell them to expect to have to face a lot of what they did not understand while the relationship happened.

I tell them that they are almost going to have to relive each memory in order to heal from it. They will have to see the relationship for what it really was for the first time and it will bring them anger, depression and yet somehow in the long run strength.

E does not own me now, he has no say in my choices, yet he still ripples through my life. You can not forget the abuse, you just have to learn to balance your past with your future. By that I mean you have to open your eyes and mind and see the reality of who you are now and who you were then.

You have to learn to trust yourself again, this is something I am working on each day. I need to trust myself to make the right choices for my children and myself.

The aftershocks are going to come, steady yourself and hold tight to the beauty you bring to your life when you leave these monsters. And be patient with yourself, you are after all the victim of a disaster.
explosion


Erin James

27 thoughts on “The Aftershocks Of A Relationship With A Narcissist

  1. Thank you for verbalizing the struggle. I didn’t have the physical abuse but years of crazy making, manipulation and emotional control with making me feel bad, disappointing and then building me up in the idea of “at least HE loved me”. I’m now two years out too with two sons after 17 years and I feel like everything he does or says under the “being nice” category is still a mind game or a setup. I don’t today anything and I always free he might eventually physically hurt me.
    Liked by 1 person
    1. This is the best summary I’ve read about what it feels like after you leave. Very few understand which makes you feel even more alone. It’s almost harder when the relationship is over, you are right about that because you are so distracted by the daily drama that you don’t have time to process what’s really going on. It’s the worst feeling of betrayal to know the person you once loved wanted to destroy you and they did a really good job. They continue to haunt you after. It’s been three months and it still feels raw. I hope someday to be over this and never think about him again.
      Liked by 1 person
  2. I’m going through this now . almost divorced . it hasn’t been a year since we separated . but this nails it . some days I struggle more then others . thank you writing this
    Liked by 1 person
    1. Same here. Exactly the same timing. I understand what you’re going through and the most important thing you can do in my opinion i surround yourself with loving understanding people. Have that one person who you can go to who will let you cry on their shoulder and have that other person who will get angry on your behalf and give you strength when you are so used to “playing nice”. I’m struggling to let the anger out – it always comes out as crying and pain. I guess in time it will come.
      Liked by 1 person
  3. Wow. 10 years later, and I still haven’t dated again. I refuse. I could never ever trust another man after what the last 4 put me through. I’d rather be alone & content than with someone that makes me so lonely & miserable with the lies, the drinking & the games…. It may never fully go away…
    Liked by 1 person
  4. I’m in this spot now, two years and I feel exactly liked you’ve described. I can’t talk to my friends because everyone expects me to be over it by now. What they don’t understand is the abuse is so deep, it takes a long time to process it. Thank you for writing this!!!!
    Liked by 1 person
    1. Reared by narc parents,in and out of narc relationship s the aftershock s ,they are are sooo startling and intrusive,Lm crippled with anxiety,thanks to this article l see its part of healing,”the things you could not make sense of,tje
      confusion,starts to make Sense,in the after shocks”walking away from the war,leaving the scorched earth behind//
      Liked by 1 person
      1. I was raised by a narc mother, grandmother no father, from 17 all my relationships have been with narc men I now only no this by splitting with my previous partner who has damaged me terribly, the only positive is I’ve recognised this pattern in my life that my mother was narc and previous partners, up until now it was my normal😦 34 years of my life abused by these people now he’s triggered my whole life I’m suffering with PTSD g.a.d depression and total loss of identity!! Its horrendous, I pray we all find a way out of this hell and live the lives we deserve x x
        Liked by 2 people
  5. 15 yrs later and I’m still living it. I did not realize the impact it made in my life until I read these articles. He still calls me names and tries to control me and yet wants me back (NOT) I have 2 children(whom are grown) from my ex husband and what a mess are they. If only…..:(
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  6. I am getting divorced next week. When I read this I could say : “this is me”….exactly
    Thanks so much for your writing. You put words of what I have in my head!
    I am going through hard time.
    I hope to feel better and hope to never meet again a narcissistic person.
    Love live life😍
    Liked by 1 person
  7. I was abandoned on January 1st of this year. I had no idea what was happening. My husband is a British citizen and faked a reason to travel. He had a woman waiting for him and he moved right in. I have been subjected to the most cruel and taunting behavior from him since he left. I am slowly moving toward acceptance but it is mentally and physically difficult. The man I loved so much for 12 years totally discarded me and blamed me entirely for the marriage falling apart.
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    1. Try to love yourself. I think unfortunately that love make us suffer. And the best think to do is to love ourself. I know it’s hard. For me also it’s really hard. I made a decision to try to live for myself and not for man. Most of them are like your husband and my ex husband. May be we dreamt too much in our childhood.
      The best “vengeance” is to live for yourself. do what you love to do. Don’t forget no one can protect you exempt yourself. Life is hard. We are in this planet not for so long. Don’t cry for man. If you are strong. And you love yourself you will feel better.
      Take care.
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  8. I divorced my first husband 8 yrs ago, however we have 3 children together. I recently divorced my 2nd husband (alcoholic/drug addict). Both have narcissistic behaviors. The first one it disgusts me that I have to still deal with him because we still have one minor child left. My 2 older ones refuse to talk to me, because of the lies their father has put in their head about me. Now my teenager for the past 2 yrs has been displaying the same types of narc behaviors since she primarily lives with him. Recently I have been able to put my foot down and fight back against him. The only thing is its not helping my daughter and I right now. I had to restart her counseling sessions this week to get her the help she needs. I feel like I’m reliving the hell I lived with for over 15yrs of marriage with him all over again. I would coward down and back off when he would attack my every being of my soul. About every 4-6 months both him and my daughter have a really bad habit of starting drama with me to make me look like a psycho (their words). I am learning daily how to not react or react when I feel that I’m being manipulated again. If it wasn’t for my higher power and prayer, I don’t think I would have made it this far. This man has multiple personalities, major ups & downs, yet he projects them onto me to make it look like its me who has mental problems. Never been diagnosed, he seems to get out of counseling when it gets to personal with him. My days of feeling unbalanced have been very few and far between now as long as I don’t have to deal with him. Thanks for letting me share.
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    1. Thank you so much for writing this, the part you wrote ” expec t to have to face a lot of what you didn’t understand while in the relationship” .It’s so good to know others understand exactly what is happening to you!! X
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  9. I feel your pain. Six months ago I left a 31 year marriage to a Narcissistic man. Emotional manipulation was his specialty and bedding other women as it was his right (some as young as our daughter). I’m struggling more since leaving because whilst there I knew what to expect.
    I’m in a vortex of grief.
    I pray that one day I will heal and be truly free of this pain.
    Liked by 1 person
  10. I am still trying to get from from him but the confusion – putting his face next to all this cruelty and destruction … How can this man I loved be this man that said to my face he will bully me to death? How can you reconcile that? Was any of it real? What did I do so wrong to make him want to hurt me? Why won’t he stoo making us suffer?
    It would all be so much easer if I hated him, I know I should and I want to but I don’t – I miss him, I miss him so much some days I have to remind my heart to beat and my chest to breath I just miss him ….. I don’t understand and it’s shit as all I’m ask to do is constantly explain it as in the surface family and friend and police and doctors see the perfect man I saw none of them see it’s not just one thing it’s the thousand one things he does to keep me in a constant state of panic and fear and confusion and powerless – so so very powerless. No one understands to the point it’s not even safe to try and explain it as I then an attacked again and told I’m crazy as they can’t see the relentless weight he puts on me or I’m the abusive one when I snap and yell at him or that is all my fault and I’m letting him have control and just need to move on as they can’t see the threats and how much control he has – it’s not even safe to ask for help or tell the truth…..
    I wish I hated him – I wish I understood – I wish someone would believe me and help me …… I wish I didn’t miss him so much….. I wish I didn’t love him.
    Liked by 1 person
  11. Raised by narcissistic parents, and tumbled into a pattern of abuse. To break that pattern takes years, tears and many failed relationships. Some never recover. I never recovered FULLY. 30 Years later and I accepted that some ghosts will haunt me till I die. It affected my trust, sex life etc. Depression, anxiety and so many other psychological issues taunt the innocent that experienced being in love with a sociopath/psychopath/pathological lier and abuser. I’ve lost years of my life which I cannot remember. Memories lost which cannot be replaced. Some Memories I wish I never had, degrading, abusive. No therapy helped. What helped was to help others who went through this. It made me strong. Today I am me, happy with who I am. But one rule I made at age 21 I never broke, and it was my savings grace. “I will bend, but no one will ever break me again”. Believe me, many tried. Giving up my personality is not an option, and the person trying to manipulate me to do it will get no where. I have a scars, but I also know I am strong. I’ve learnt, I’ve lived, but I had to accept many truths, most difficult. Who chooses a relationship like This! No one. But I get asked the same question time and time again, why did you not get Out. They will never understand, not unless they lived it too. It takes women like us, talking, supporting and understanding that helps with healing. Never be ashamed, or guilty. It was never about love, just control. A pitiful inferior man, breaking a butterflies wings, so he could fly. Your wings will grow back, stronger than ever, you might just have to accept that it may never be the same colour again. But you are beautiful!
    Liked by 1 person
  12. Finally left the man I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with…30 years is a long time to look back on and realize you weren’t ever really loved. They are the monsters we were afraid of, only no one believes us. I don’t know if I will ever love again or be the same person I was…trust will be an ongoing issue, but I am stronger and I’m a survivor, it finally my life now.
    Liked by 1 person
  13. I am actually in tears right now reading this. It seems as though this is my exact story. My hell came in the form of a man named Jason. He was my best friend for quite awhile before our relationship started. I was in an abusive relationship before and he made everything seem great. He promised me the world and swept me off my feet. He raised my 2 girls as if they were his and all. 7 years. He had me fooled for 7 years. Every argument was my fault. Anything that went wrong was my fault. He cheated and lied constantly. Yet I still loved this man. He knew exactly what to say and what buttons to push to get me back. Regardless of everything. We had built this life together. We shared everything. A house, cars, dogs, kids, a life. One day in March he just left. He just never came home from work one day. When I had finally heard from him (when he had come to get his motorcycle), everything was my fault. I was this crazy person he couldn’t deal with anymore. Every tiny bit of blame was put on me. When myself and others clearly knew none of it was. He lied about me to friends and his family. Made me out to be this horrible person. He completely flipped the script. To me it’s still a fresh wound. It hurts knowing a man I thought loved me so much and thoughts of spending our life together could be this monster.
    Thank you for this article. It shows me that one day.. Maybe not today nor tomorrow, but one day. This pain in my heart and soul will pass.
    Like
  14. You write what my mind and heart have gone through for 35 years!! Always felt like a single woman, single mom, he would love bomb, then back off just as quietly -just enough to make you feel you were the problem-deserves an academy award for BEST SCHMUCK OF SCMUCKS of the Century!! People say its been 9 yrs since divorce anf his “war” scamming me of every cent and using our then 3 teen sons minds-manipulating them to think it was all my fault, they know now, he was alwats so jealous of our tight bond and so he decided to try and destroy it…its repaired, but will never be the same. I feel their pain in their hearts, they don’t want to even remember any of it whenever it gets mentioned. We all suffer PTSD moments from.his horrendous violent, mentally abusive tactics. He is a true Monster,a Beast, a tyrant, needs to be stopped, but Karma will come along his path little by little. I suffer with triggers, try to put healthier visions and statements in their place-thank God I am not in that space anymore and thank God my son’s are safe and healthy. I try to educate them in little increments of NARC abuse. Of course they resist that their father is one..So did I…but I can see they are listening to me. I pray we all heal much more, takes time I know; it is just so devastsating. I compare it to a war soldier’s PTSD-it is a “war”. One day at a time, I just want to feel emotionally healthier and I will, I’m a SURVIVOR. No-one understands it unless you’ve been through it yoursrlf, just like any other situation. I NEVER envisioned my babies to go through this and my guilt takes me f own at times. But I have to be stronger than that low gutter mentality. I am WORTH IT!! So are sons!! It’s a terrible scar.
    Liked by 1 person
  15. Help, I’m happily married but I’m watching a dear friend go through this. She’s not being abused, but she’s hooked on this idiot and getting played. Her mom is a narcissist, she intellectually knows it’s wrong, and can’t stop.
    I won’t abandon our friendship, how do i deal with this?
    Liked by 1 person
    1. Just be there for her. Trust me it was my one friend who stood by me through the worst of it that got through to me in the long run. Keep reminding her of her worth and telling her that she is better than the situation she is in. Also know it takes a long time to “detox” and change our thought patterns when we are in these relationships.
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  16. 20 years now……..I’m just learning about narcissism for the last few months and it’s tearing me apart……..All these years I felt bad about myself, felt guilty towards my children…..even lost my children because they put all the blame on me.
    In a way, it is my fault, I was their mother after all. She wasn’t.
    She was just a woman who, in a way, imposed herself to me because I was the one she wanted to have, to use, to dominate, to lie to, to betray, to humiliate, to step on and on and on…….
    In the 5 years I had a relation with her, I totally repeated my childhood. That’s what I always said, and now it looks like I was so very, very right.
    My mother was a narcissist, always playing the victim and always putting the blame on me for every rotten thing that happened to her, even before I was born.
    So there I was, growing up with a narcissist, coming out of a marriage with a narcissist, searching for a way to cope and giving my children a better life I’d had………struggling with the realisation I was actually very attracted to women………….and there she was……………………
    I loved her, hated her, feared her, tried to do everything to please her and nothing was good enough for her. She made me feel crazy, made me feel like I could do nothing right, she made me feel worthless, stupid, a very bad mother, a bad lover, even a worse person. She made me feel my mother was right, I had no right to be on this earth, no right at all.
    O, how I struggled to give myself the right to be here on this very earth, to give myself permission for existance, to build up from scratch what she tore apart……with my kids and I did a dam good job………until first my daughter blamed it all on me, then my son, and now I have to face it all again without them, with the pain of missing them because this is something I can never explain to them without taking my own responsibility and guilt.
    So maybe,someone can learn something from this, take good care of yourself and your children…….they never asked for anything like this to happen to them. Get out while you can, for them and for yourself.
    Liked by 1 person

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